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Countdown
I’m waiting on the countdown Sitting in the shade Things about to turn around How the madness fades Oh, I’ve been waiting on the countdown Things about to turn around And now I’m out of the lost and...
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Sick F@ck
Spring, 2005: I’m sitting at the kitchen table, a plate with a few remnants of toasted bread in front of me. This is one of my props, because as usual I have no appetite. One of my more clever tricks:...
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Goodbye, King Cone
Oh we never know where life will take us I know it’s just a ride on the wheel And we never know when death will shake us And we wonder how it will feel Saturday night, over 75 beautiful sober men and...
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A Phone Call From Who I Used to Be
The phone rang after midnight, just a couple of hours ago, a rare occurrence in our home – and I ran to answer it, wondering who the hell would be calling at that hour, irritated but worried that...
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I Don’t Ever Give Up (warning: graphic content)
I’m no kid in a kid’s game I did what I did, I’ve got no one to blame But I don’t give up, no, I don’t ever give up It’s all I’ve got, it’s my claim to fame I’m no fighter but I’m fighting This...
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That I Would Be Good
It’s Labor Day, and it’s broiling hot outside. I only know this because when I opened the door to let the dogs out this morning, a wall of heat almost knocked me over. I’m staying inside today. Not...
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Testing Grace
So, the personal wreckage cleanup begins again. Does anyone have a backhoe I can borrow for a few days…or weeks…perhaps months? I wonder how my husband tolerates this. I know there must be those...
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Thank You, Thank You, Thank You
Today, my disease is incredibly angry. It wants me to be sick. It wants to put me in compromising positions. It wants me, quite frankly, dead. I spent several hours yesterday in a waiting room at the...
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Peanut Butter & Angels
Last week, in an attempt to pull myself out of the spiritual stupor I once again found myself in following my relapse, I posted what was an attempt at a light-hearted Facebook status update: My husband...
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The Innocent and Honest Ones
In the eighties, when I was still a rabid atheist, there was a song I used to listen to in secret. It was a beautiful ballad by the Irish band In Tua Nua called “The Innocent and Honest Ones.” I’d...
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God’s Perfect Love
So…here I am again. Twenty-five days clean and sober, yet still neck-deep in paranoia, shame and remorse. I’ve been avoiding writing about this, praying it will begin to fade as it has in the past....
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This Isn’t Everything I Am
Today, I have fifty days of recovery: 1,191 hours of hard-won, rigorously honest, Higher-Power driven recovery. And yet, my disease continues to whisper inside my head, trying to shake my confidence...
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Brave and Crazy
Today is day 97. If you’ve read this blog before, you know that I’ve struggled with sobriety for a long time. Since 2002, specifically. During that time, I’ve been both a chronic…ie, daily…user, and...
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Patrick
How do I even begin to write about Patrick, my amazing husband? For twenty years he’s stayed by my side, fulfilling our vows to stay together for better or worse, long before we actually spoke those...
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SCARLOVER
Ugly inside of me Taught me of beauty I wouldn’t trade that work of art for all the silk of perfect skin… i’m a scarlover too and I’m full of scars like you – Maria Mckee, “Scarlover” I stare at it in...
View ArticleBathtub Angels
Years of experience have taught me that my crystal binges can be paused only by one or more of the following reasons: running out of product, a spiral into full psychosis due to sleep deprivation, or...
View ArticleMachete, Moonlight, Madness: part one
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Authors Note: I am not the only person to have seen the Tree People. Many meth addicts have observed them, and they are a well-documented...
View ArticleWHITE BOY ON TOP OF THE WORLD
I’m hunched up on the hillside next to our house, fully enclosed by the long, thorny vines of the giant Bougainvillea, their purplish flowers dotting my field of vision. The morning sunlight...
View ArticleFollow jesus or go to hell
The Ford Explorer glides down the north face of the Grapevine, diving headlong down through the blanket of grey clouds that hang over California’s Central Valley for most of the winter. It is late...
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